Skills to work with generativity
The engagement circle
Language has a significant influence on the successful engagement of men. If the language used by the professional worker is deficit based, it will increase the male service user’s level of suspicion and they are less likely to access the program. Some of the deficit based assumptions (King , 2000) view most men as:
abusive
emotionally challenged
under involved in household activities
having little interest in professional feedback about their children.
When working with men, effective language involves three key components as illustrated in Figure 1. These three key components are contained in the organisational context and Occupational, Health and Safety policies and the specific context for service delivery. For example each organisation has policies about safe work practices when providing after hours counselling services.
The three key components for developing father-friendly language are:
relevance – the discussion needs to be relevant to the service user’s needs
faith builder – the worker needs to convey the belief that the male service user has the ability to commit, choose, care, change, create, connect and communicate
honest/direct – male service users respect people who honestly and respectfully discuss with them the important issues in their life.
Example
At a father’s support service in Western Sydney, a large number of separated fathers regularly access the program. The use of direct and relevant language is important in creating a positive direction for managing family separation. The staff encourage men to refer to their ‘ex-partners’ as the ‘mother of their children’, rather than their ‘ex’. The word ‘ex’ conjures up images of someone who is ‘no longer important’ or is a ‘has-been’. This simple change of language is well received by the men as it reinforces a new and positive attitude towards family separation, their child/ren, their previous relationship and themselves.
Some strategies that increase engagement with men include:
remembering that body language is powerful. Develop strong and comfortable body language around male service users regardless of any height or size differences. Men quickly tune into how comfortable other people are around them and this will influence their level of respect. The simple act of shaking hands, for many men, can symbolise a higher level of respect and mutual connection. In different cultural groups and age brackets, a ‘high five’ will achieve the same effect
using non-deficit language to demonstrate a respect for the importance of family relationships in men’s lives
allowing time for male service users to reflect on a discussion after you have been honest and direct with them. Men can become frustrated and will need an opportunity to vent their feelings and time to consider the importance of what has been said. However, no form of intimidation or threat of violence or aggression is acceptable
being comfortable with the male approach. This is very different from the average female interaction. Men can be, for a variety of reasons, naturally more boisterous, louder, and have a stronger presence in social situations. Generally this is not intended as threatening, yet can be perceived as such
being child-focussed with men who are fathers. The child-focussed approach cuts through all other situations affecting the men’s lives and helps them to redirect their focus to the child/ren, e.g. ‘How do you think that will affect your child?’
Creating relevance with service users is clearly illustrated with a man named Terry who has been attending an intensive father’s group. In a recent group session, he gave feedback to the group on the positive effect the group has had on his life since he was released from a correctional centre. During his last time in gaol, someone recommended he join a father’s group to make a smooth transition back into his large family. Terry reflected on what the group meant to him and concluded that it ‘focussed on my kids, and me’ and this was vital in establishing relevance.
It is quite a challenge for any parent to move from such a highly controlled environment as a prison, to the chaos of living in a family with many children. The children had not seen their father for a significant part of their lives. Terry began his involvement with the father’s group four months prior to release and continued for over a year thereafter. He now credits the support from the group as the major factor in him staying with the family and not re-offending.
Being a faith builder demands perseverance and the belief that a father has the capacity to make appropriate choices. For example, Adrian has been a member of an intensive father’s group for over 18 months. When he commenced attending, Adrian was experiencing regular conflict at home with parent/teenager power issues. Adrian struggled to express himself in the group and would resist any encouragement to speak. After some weeks he began to be vocal about his own experience and supported men in dealing with their own issues. He was less reactive with his own teenage children and developed a stronger and more supportive relationship with his partner.
While being honest and direct with men is challenging, it creates a greater respect and a focus for change. For example, Graham is a father with two children and a partner. The Department of Community Services has informed him he has a limited time to make significant changes in his approach to parenting or run the risk of having the children taken into out-of-home care. The following is an example of how the group worker approaches this scenario:
Worker: ‘Graham, it is time to deal with these issues or your children will be removed. You cannot afford to continue down the path you have used over the last few months. We want to support you and we have to keep the welfare of the children as the priority. We need to work together on this. Does this make sense?’
The worker has focused the discussion on change and this provides Graham with choices:
He can sit with his anger and resentment and continue not to change, with the risk that his children will be taken into care.
He can engage fully with the worker and/or program, and accept feedback about his behaviour, even though it is difficult. This demands a willingness to trust the worker and recognise that at the heart of this lies the best interests for him and his children.
11 - Overview of the generative perspective
Appropriate responses to men crying
The display of emotion by men is influenced by a wide range of cultural based messages. For some cultures, tears are an ordinary expression of strength and life. In Anglo-Saxon culture, crying may be tempered with feelings of inadequacy or failure. In times of distress men will apologise for crying and say something like:
‘I’m sorry I don’t know what’s wrong with me’
‘I feel like an idiot’
‘I’m not usually like this’
‘I’m just being stupid.’
When working with men it is best to value crying as normal and a strength. Workers may respond by saying;
‘There’s nothing to be sorry for’
‘This is the hardest thing men face in their life’
‘I’m OK with this’
‘I don’t see an idiot’
‘A lot of men rob themselves of this opportunity to release the pain’
‘It takes courage to come to this moment of realism’
‘There’s nothing stupid about being honest with our emotions’
‘When these emotions build up it affects our whole wellbeing and behaviour’
‘It is okay. Some men deal with the feeling by behaving in violent ways hurting themselves and those around them’
‘This pain you are feeling is shared by all involved in the separation – mothers, fathers, extended family and especially children’
‘In order to support the children we must first be honest with our own emotions.’
Unhelpful things to say or do when men are crying are:
Handing them tissues. This may be a sign that the worker is not comfortable with the tears and wishes for it to stop. Often tears will stop after someone is handed a tissue.
Making a note as it will appear that you are judging them as depressed and recording it
Taking a few deep breaths as it may be interpreted as a sign that the worker is not comfortable with the emotional expression and wishes for it to stop
Leaving the room as it may be a sign that the worker is not comfortable with it and wishes for the emotional expression to stop
Saying ‘when you are right we will continue’ as it implies that the crying is inappropriate to your context of working together
Saying ‘are you always this emotional’ as it may be a sign that the worker is not comfortable with it and wishes for it to stop
Saying ‘I’m concerned about you’ as it will appear that you are judging them as depressed or suicidal.
Principles for using generative exercises
These exercises are used either to strengthen the engagement process (Generative awareness exercises) or when sufficient engagement has already occurred (adequate level of relevance exists, the men have a deeper awareness of positive faith-building and communication can readily occur using honesty/ directness). These exercises also require these other principles to occur:
Focus the men on active and practical ways of being in the world and having an influence and impact on others
Discuss clear expectations about how you will work together, what is required and reduce any fears of the unknown
Avoid the trap of being sympathetic – it entraps people – instead recognise that everyone wants to be noticed for their core motivations
Build on discussions that highlight the key relationships and the person’s significant hopes and fears/anxiety (yearning vs challenges) for those relationships. Develop actions that respond to these core motivations
Slow down men without stopping them. Value small steps and the important impact or influence they have on others.
Ask child centred questions
Model mother respect in your own language – avoid the term ‘ex-partner’ use the term ‘mother of your child’
Acknowledge honesty and self reflection
Highlight strengths
Utilise verbal tools – vary the tone, pace of the discussion
Seek to equalise the relationship – e.g. with use of everyday language explain terms of use
Display genuine interest and non-judgmental attitude
Build on a future focus, how the impact, influence and level of respect in their key relationships will change in the future. Ask ‘what do you want to do more of...?’
